F*cking Trans Women

For a group of people that are so hypersexualised in the mainstream, it may be surprising that there is scant information out there covering the finer points of trans women’s sexuality and bringing pleasure to our bodies. With the notable exception of Mira Bellwether’s seminal zine, described as more of a ‘cookbook’ than a definitive how-to (with the diversity of its subject matter in mind), the physiological, psychological and energetic differences that makes fucking trans women distinct from fucking cis women, cis men, or other queer people, has been little discussed.

But discussion is so important, being part of a larger silence around the intricacies of women’s sexuality in general. This is a historical fact of unequally allocated research, funding and sex education that deserves rectification. As such, there are common misconceptions and political problems to dispel before exploring the things that make sex with trans women special. Engaging and educating ourselves on trans-femme erotics not only lightens the burden for trans people too-often called to do this labour ourselves, but also can enrich collective understandings of sexuality for everyone.

Parts of a Whole

Porn continues to be the primary site of exposure for most people to trans bodies, bringing with it several unreasonable representations. Terms such as ‘shemale’ and ‘chicks with dicks’ have only recently been discarded by the industry in response to activist pressure, but they demonstrate an assumption that exists in most porn where trans women are seen as a chimeric combination of ‘the two’ sexes—beautiful women with men’s penises. In the trans porn ideal, both the woman part and the man part are cis, just spliced together.

The problem with this is that trans women are whole people, not a combination of parts. So if trans women have penises (and some do not), they are women’s penises. Because of hormones, trans penises often not only have a different significance for their owners, but also often have a different taste, feel and functionality to the penises of cis men. This is just the beginning of the erotic distinctions that are worth considering when engaging trans bodies; overlaps and breakaways from cis understandings of the body and its erotic function extend to all parts of the body, and cannot be put down to simplistic analogies.

Hormones

While some trans women don’t use hormone replacement therapy, or HRT, the majority do, along with other technologies to change the body according to our preferences. HRT shifts the way the entire body experiences arousal, making sensory and psychological differences that are (in my experience) similar but also different from the way that cis women experience their aroused bodies. HRT can make orgasms more intense and rewire the sensitivities, excretions and bloodflow of the genitals, which is why trans penises are unique and deserve their own techniques. They also come differently, trading the usual thick, white, alkaline potency for a lighter, clearer, sweet and sometimes salty fluid.

Because HRT often makes erections less rapid, sustained and firm, in some cases leading to atrophy and shrinkage, there is a thread within medical discourse in which estrogen-dominance is seen to ‘deaden’ the sex drive, just as it ‘sterilises’ those who undergo it. And while certainly some trans women experience a lessening in this area, I would be highly skeptical of this from the perspective of a historical failure to recognise desire in any person without the measurable presence of a hard phallus.

I think it would be more accurate to say instead that most girls on HRT experience a shift in their sexuality, rather than mounting erotic twilight, or the porn ideal of well-endowed nymphomania—this real-world complexity is only just being explored in recent research.* So while some trans women still retain dynamic boners and love to top, for many the focus becomes less on genitalia, and the ‘horny-rabbit’ feeling that sometimes accompanies wanting to fuck another person. The focus becomes more on whole-body sensitivity, with play areas shifting to holes, to breasts, skin, smells and the conceptual or emotional side of sex. It can also shift into different kinks or areas of BDSM.

Anatomy + Language

The most hurtful questions trans people get from sex partners, strangers and doctors alike are about our anatomy, rarely going beyond crude identification. Because of this, any discussion of the intricacies of our bodies should be counted as a privilege - not a conversation starter. Just as cis feminists talk about cliteracy (given with sometimes janky optics), it should be a collective task to correctly and sensitively approach trans anatomy. Part of literacy if you’re interested in getting with trans girls is being tactful enough not to make too big a deal out of what’s between our legs, and know that everybody is different.

Here are some words that trans women might use to describe their junk, in addition to more commonplace terms:

• girldick/girlcock
• pussy (even if unoperated) – can refer to genitals or anus
• clit
• package
• bunny – this is my personal fave

Asking (yourself, if you’re trans, or your sex partner) is a great way to open up conversation around this, but know that some women preferred not to be touched or refer to their genitals at all. Others love to be touched and sucked, and to fuck. Some trans women have also had bottom surgeries, ranging from removing testes to getting gorgeous vaginas put in. Because of financial and other hurdles, these are in a minority and, like bio vaginas, there is great diversity. Bionic pussies can be of various depths, can be self-lubricating, can come, and even contain multiple surgically-designated g-spots. Finally, some trans women are intersex, and may have their own specifics around how they want their genitalia to be engaged with or not.

How to touch

I can’t demonstrate techniques in a blog article but I can encourage you to explore, be respectful, and talk a lot! Trans women enjoy the same sorts of caresses that people of all genders enjoy, with as much variation, but here are a few specificities to consider with your new anatomical knowledge:

• Massage – An excellent way to explore a body, and one that can be highly affirming and hot for all involved.
• Nipples – Can be highly sensitised, particularly when growing in the early stages of HRT, or if breasts are enhanced. Be careful, or cruel.
• Muffing – A favourite of Bellwether, this involves penetrating the inguinal canals (where the balls descend from) with fingers or otherwise.
• Prostate play – The ‘something extra’ it can be easy to forget about, but powerful when it comes to anal stimulation.
• Ghost labia – The surface of the scrotum that in comparative anatomy would be the labia (where the penis head would be the clit). It can change and darken with HRT and become a prime spot for caress.

Restitutive Intimacy**

When engaging with anyone erotically, it’s obviously important to be body-positive, and to want to give pleasure as much as receiving it - unless an imbalance in this area is a conscious part of your dynamic. As trans women we are taught that our bodies are monstrous and undesirable, and sexual intimacy can be an important site in reclaiming this. But our partners, especially men, are also often made to feel like their desires for us are shameful and invalid. Such stigma can have coercive effects on the kinds of pleasure that can be sought when trans bodies are part of the equation, and is linked to the high level of violence too often faced by trans women of colour in particular.

Awareness of the stigma and labour that trans women are forced through to lubricate our passage through the world presents a challenge to anyone who wants to engage with us erotically. If you count yourself among, or potentially among, these people, it’s on you to do the work so that these experiences can be as safe and mutually pleasurable as possible. Part of this is also getting clear on your own desires, any shame you might have around them, and what exactly you hope to get out of the situation so you can communicate it clearly - and hope you are accepted.

For the trans women reading this, I want to encourage you to investigate your own sexuality and come up with language around it. Raise the bar on what you expect from those who want to come into your intimacy while also being unafraid of candidly educating them, if you really want to. Greater fearlessness and openness around trans pleasure can hopefully lead us to feeling more comfortable in claiming it and having more powerful and satisfying sexual experiences, with partners or otherwise.