Think you might be a little bit kinky? Or perhaps more than a little? There are many ways to explore BDSM - you may choose to play with friends, partners, or even strangers. Many folks also choose to see sex workers.
Professionals who specialise in kink can be a wonderful way to get started, learn new things, or expand your repertoire. But if you’re new to the idea of paying a pro, you may feel a little intimidated. You might fear doing or saying the wrong thing, worry about opening up to a stranger about your fantasies, or wonder how to ensure your safety.
Luckily, the pros have answers to these questions. Today I’m speaking with two well-established Australian BDSM workers to explore what a kink professional can offer and how to get the most out of your experience.
Introducing our BDSM experts: Pro Domme Mistress Tokyo and Fetish Escort Sai Jaiden Lillith.
Mistress Tokyo has been a fixture of the Australian kink scene for over two decades. She describes herself as an ‘independent sex worker who specialises in kink and BDSM’. The official terms for her role are ‘mistress’, ‘dominatrix’, or ‘pro domme’. Her work in this role spans 23 years - 16 running her own Sydney-based dungeon. In addition to private work, she’s also a kink educator - teaching in Australia and the USA - and a performance artist who explores the intersection between shibari suspension bondage and aerial Lyra. “I'm also a student these days too, I'm doing a double degree in psychology and counseling,” she says.
Similarly, Melbourne worker Sai Jaiden Lillith comes from a multidisciplinary background. They refer to themselves as a ‘fetish escort’. This "means I do full-service sex work as well as pro domme work and occasional pro sub work. I'm a content creator online, which means I make pornography, [I'm] a sex / kink educator and I also make music in an industrial band called ZCluster, and lots of art stuff that’s on my Patreon and on social media."
Both Sai and Mistress Tokyo advocate for sex worker rights and are outspoken on issues that affect all workers (not just kink specialists). They’ve had plenty of practice at explaining their work to the uninitiated, and they’re more than happy to answer my questions.
Is pro-BDSM work just ‘paid kinky sex’?
Most BDSM professionals identify as sex workers - someone who provides sexy or sexual services for payment. It’s easy to assume that sex work is just about sex acts, but there’s more to the story... and every worker sets their own boundaries.
Mistress Tokyo says, “I believe that we very much are sex workers. In the last six or seven years, I've started to call myself a sex worker who specialises in BDSM. Because both of those things are absolutely true.” But she also points out that many pro dommes don’t provide traditional sexual activities such as intercourse. For Mistress Tokyo, this means she provides kink-related activities without the kind of genital-to-genital contact that might be considered ‘conventional’ sex.
Sai, on the other hand, offers both kink sessions and full-service sessions (including more conventional sexual activities). “I promote my full-service escort services as well as my pro domme services, and the two are not mutually exclusive. It just depends on the experience a client is seeking.”
They both emphasise the importance of checking what a worker provides, and not assuming that sex is included. After all, BDSM doesn’t necessarily focus on the genitals. Sai says, “For me, kink and BDSM involves a variety of practices that might not be recognized as strictly sexual.”
Mistress Tokyo agrees. “What I do is take people on cathartic ordeal journeys." she says. She describes her work as creating a space where her clients can have a controlled psychological, emotional and somatic experience. "And if it does involve some sort of sexual peak, then that's fantastic, but that isn't essentially the end game."
What are the advantages of seeing a kink professional?
As someone who’s worked as an escort for more than ten years, I know that seeing a sex worker takes a certain amount of time and effort. Organising a paid session can be nerve-wracking and requires a financial investment. Is it all worth it?
According to Mistress Tokyo, one of the greatest advantages of seeing a pro is the freedom to ask for exactly what you want. "You have someone who is basically operationalised just to get your session done,” she says. “They're not going to judge you about it... 'So you want to do x with y? Okay, that's $350.'" In our sex-negative world, being able to ask for what you need without fear of judgement can be a very empowering experience.
Sai points out that some clients find it easier to explore their desires with a worker than with a romantic partner or friend: “If you want to explore power exchange or a particular role play, to get really deep into that space, it can be hard to let go of that image of the person you know and to let that suspension of disbelief take place... it's so much easier in some ways, when you're playing with someone you're not intimately familiar with.” Although they encourage everyone to explore with partners if they can, they acknowledge that seeing a professional might work better for some.
Sai’s work has taught them how to connect with people of all backgrounds. "We see a variety of clients from all walks of life. So we have that broad experience that you wouldn't get otherwise."
BDSM professionals also possess skills that less experienced players don’t - and it’s not just about knowing how to wield a flogger. “You're seeking someone who has the communication skills to talk to you about whatever you want to do, and hold the space for you in a way that’s safe, sane, consensual and risk-aware,” Mistress Toyko says. “We hold pretty dope spaces... there's a lot of emotional labor that goes into setting up, maintaining, and then closing down a play space.”
Kink can involve elements of spirituality or transcendence - deep psychological experiences that require serious caretaking. Sai says, "People feel able to get into those deep dark, dangerous places because they feel safe, because they know they're going to be kept safe."
Etiquette Tips for Booking a BDSM Pro:
Contacting a kink pro is very much like approaching any sex worker... which is to say, it’s very much like dealing with any professional.
Don’t let the leather, latex, floggers, and restraints intimidate you - kink workers are perfectly friendly, if you treat them right. Mistress Tokyo is quick to remind me that she treats her clients like human beings. "When people call me, I just literally talk to them. I'm a normal person doing an exceptional job and they're a normal person stepping into an exceptional space."
Sai offers a few practical tips: be polite, concise, and give all the information that’s required - including your name, when and where you’d like to meet, and some information about the kind of session you’re hoping for, even if you don’t know exactly what you want. “Sometimes it’s an information gathering exercise - fleshing out exactly what you're looking for, and whether that's appropriate for the provider,” they say. “Don't feel like we're going to laugh at you because you don't know exactly what you're talking about. We're professionals, you can come to us with your questions. But be aware that time is money, and our time is precious.”
Mistress Tokyo says that, as a new client, doing your homework is essential. "I assume that they've read the website at mistresstokyo.com and filled in the pro forma. And if they haven't filled in the pro forma, that's fine, because I'm going to give them the Spanish Inquisition on the phone before they even get the right to give me a deposit." Knowing her rates ahead of time is essential, to avoid any awkward conversations about how much the session is going to cost. And one more thing: "Don't assume that I'm going to be able to see you on very short notice if I don't know you," she says.
Like many sex workers, kink professionals often have screening processes. You may need to provide identification or pay a deposit. These requirements are never negotiable. "Non-compliance will not get you a session,” Mistress Tokyo says. “If you get into the dungeon with me, there's going to be certain hoops you need to jump through."
How can clients ensure they have a good session?
Even after negotiating a paid encounter, first-time customers may worry that things won’t go to plan. Is there special etiquette involved? How should they prepare? Once they’ve invested so much time and money, how can they make the most of the experience? Our pros have several tips to help you enjoy your session.
Firstly, they highlight the importance of owning your feelings. Kink can bring up intense feelings of shame - especially when our desires are considered socially unacceptable. Choosing to set aside this shame and ask for what you want can be a life-changing experience. "Part of the process is for you to step into your own power," Mistress Tokyo says.
It’s important to be aware of your deeper feelings and decide whether you’re willing to grapple with them. "If you do have concerns around what you're choosing to do, then maybe just sit with that and think about it. I can provide boundaries, professional compassion around those things. But obviously the decision is yours."
Don’t feel as though you need to do everything at once. You don’t need to be experienced to enjoy a BDSM session! According to Mistress Tokyo, ‘go hard or go home’ simply doesn’t apply. "On the internet, I look like a scary lady. But that's not my default setting. A lot of people make assumptions that because I enjoy certain things, those are the only things that I cater to, and that there can't be any sort of pleasure." But she appreciates a ‘softer, lighter beginning scene’ just as much as ‘hardcore’ kink.
Sai agrees. “I get the same thrill out of a really gentle spanking session that tips someone into an amazingly immersed space, as I do from the most hardcore bondage or brutal caning session. It's about the emotions and the feelings that come back from that person you're playing with.”
Mistress Tokyo recommends that beginners try an hour-long scene before attempting longer sessions. “You've got to get over that initial hump of doing it the first time, and then you can start to relax once you know the lay of the land."
As with all BDSM, communication is the number-one essential. Sai says, “In a session, I want to be sure that you're going to speak up if things get too hard, or if you feel a sudden pain somewhere. When we're doing things like hardcore bondage, picking up on anything that feels untoward is so important - not just physically but emotionally, as well. If you're starting to feel unsafe for any reason, you need to be able to speak up.”
You don’t need to be an expert at this, either - Sai enjoys helping clients grow their communication skills. “I've had clients who come to me and they've been painfully shy, finding it really challenging to vocalize what they want. But over time, with gentle treatment and a lot of positive encouragement - sometimes involving canes and vibrators and all that sort of stuff - people do improve.”
It’s not just about sex. There’s a lot that makes it worthwhile: a shame-free space to explore, the joy of experiencing a skilled player, and the very real possibility of deep personal growth. Although these adventures may be possible with hookups, friends, or partners, a kink pro offers a level of safety, understanding and expertise that’s worth considering.
Both Sai and Mistress Tokyo are passionate about the possibilities a paid session can offer. Sai says, “It's about striking up a genuine connection, with trust and safety, and having that really delicious sort of feedback loop.”
Mistress Tokyo’s appreciation for this work goes beyond the practical. “For me, BDSM is about the possibility of dissolving myself, just a little bit, in spirituality, somatic experience, you know? The virtues of having a nervous system which can provide me with a whole heap of fun... in the safety and privacy of my own dungeon.”
__________________________Georgie Wolf is a sex worker, sex educator and writer based in Melbourne, Australia. She is the author of The Art of the Hook Up, a consent-focused guide to online dating. She also runs The Satisfaction Project, a sex-positive online resource for people who see sex workers.
Sai Lillith is a Melbourne based gender fluid prodom/me, escort, activist, creator of visual erotica, artist and Shibari addict.
Mistress Tokyo is a dominatrix based in Sydney Australia, with her own world-class studio and 23yrs experience in professional BDSM, and an internationally recognized kink educator and performer.
Mistress Tokyo's photo is courtesy of Roberto Duran.